Orders for the Heart
by Crimson Tranquility
Summary: Suddenly, he couldn’t breathe. Her voice filled his head. Her face haunted him as the woman on top of him leaned forward.


**Author's Note:** Hey everyone! Okay, this fic is about FMP: The Second Raid when Sousuke is wandering around Hong Kong, hopeless without Kaname. It's full of angst and basically Sousuke thinking about his orders to stay away from Kaname and how he has trouble functioning. I recommend watching FMP: The Second Raid before reading this fic or you won't understand parts of it. It's a short series, 13 episodes and is truly amazing. As I said before, it is a breathtakingly devastating at points and really makes you feel for the characters. Watch it! :D Anyway, make sure to review.

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**Orders for the Heart**

There was nothing for him. He had packed up his belongings and moved many times before. Missions had ended and he had returned to the Tuatha de Danaan, Mithril's submarine, for further orders. But somehow, the other day when he was packing up his apartment, it was harder. The boxes seemed heavier. The process seemed slower and longer.

Sousuke had barely been aware that it was raining hard. His clothes had been drenched, yet he couldn't feel cold. He didn't feel anything.

Numbness.

When he had packed the final box and taped it shut, his cell phone had rung. The sound seemed to blast through the now empty apartment. His eyes glanced over the screen before they locked there in shock.

_Chidori Kaname._

Immediately the face of the blue-haired girl flashed through his head. Her smile and soft voice made him gasp as he remembered the day before when she had leaned over his shoulder as she was cutting his hair to whisper in his ear. _"I only trust you, Sousuke." _

Sousuke's hand reached for the small mobile phone on the floor and stopped in midair. The orders flashed in his mind.

_Any contact with Kaname Chidori is forbidden._

His fingers were perfectly still as his mind reeled. Part of him wanted to snatch the phone off the ground while the other part reminded him that he had orders.

The ring stifled and Sousuke's hand flexed outwards towards the phone.

_Too late_.

- - - - - -

He traveled slowly down the stairs and out to the parking lot where the moving truck was waiting. Sliding the last box into the truck, he slammed the back doors to the truck with more force than was necessary and then stood there in the rain.

The email with his newest orders was still fresh in his mind, as if they were burned there. He was to withdraw immediately and have no contact with Kaname Chidori. What was left for him?

…_Nothing_.

The rain fell down on him continuous. Droplets flooded down his face. If someone passed by him, they would have thought he was crying.

But why should he cry? They were orders after all and he had to obey them.

- - - - - -

He reported straight to Captain Testerossa's office, as he always did when he returned. This time was no different.

Except, this time, he couldn't seem to get his breathing quite right. This time, he couldn't get Kaname's voice out of his head. _I only trust you, Sousuke_. This time, he couldn't forget the feel of her fingers massaging through his scalp as she cut his hair.

- - - - - -

"Sergeant, there's much that you need to do, correct?" Captain Testerossa's eyes narrowed slightly and her face held a frown.

"What would that be?" The words sounded mechanical as they left his mouth and he already knew the answer before the captain responded.

"The Arbalest."

Yes, the Arbalest. Sousuke's jaw tightened. That damn machine had called him away from Kaname. It had haunted him forever. All they cared about was that damn machine and its lambda driver. The entire thing was faulty and unreliable. Sousuke had tried to get away from it- to tell them that he didn't want to pilot it anymore but of course, he was the only one who could work it. The stubborn thing wouldn't allow anyone else to activate the lambda driver. Damn machine. It was that machine that had ordered him back.

His head fell forward and he let out a breath. "I'm left without a choice?" The words reverberated through the room and Tessa's gray eyes widened slightly before she looked down.

"Yes."

"Is that an order?" If it was an order, he would have to follow it. He was a soldier. Orders were part of his life.

"Yes, it is."

- - - - - -

Darkness settled into the room. He made no move to turn on any lights. Sousuke lay still on the bed, his eyes focused on nothing in the dark. He had spent the day inside the small quarters thinking over the battle he had lost with the new lieutenant.

"_But, you can't do anything without orders… you're nothing but a coward."_

He was a coward? But he already knew that. He had abandoned Kaname for orders. Of course he was a coward.

"_Do you know why you were defeated?… Because you loathe the Arbalest_."

Yes, that was correct too. That machine, that damned piece of metal had ordered him back. Back to pilot it in combat. Back to make him hate himself even more when more of his comrades died because he couldn't tap into its special power, the lambda driver.

"_The machine reflects the heart of the pilot."_

But if that was true, then what did the Arbalest say about his heart?

- - - - - -

Another one. Another mission. Orders. They were all the same.

Except all he felt was a dull aching and he couldn't understand where it was coming from.

At least this time he wouldn't have to pilot that thing. The lieutenant had said it was unreliable. Meaning _he _was unreliable. Yeah, he was. He had left Kaname. She had trusted him and he was unreliable. He was as bad as that machine.

Sousuke tried to focus on the road ahead of him. They were in Hong Kong now, undercover as they searched for the enemy.

A memory of Kaname wearing his shirt while he drove them away after the hijacking incident suddenly flooded his head. Her bright eyes blazed as she questioned him about where they were going and what was going on.

"_Calm down, Sousuke!… You're being possessed by a delusion now!"_

"SOUSUKE!" Melissa's voice shrieked out and Sousuke was yanked out of his daydream as a car sped towards them. Luckily his reflexes were top-notch; he got them out of there alive with just minor damage to the van.

But that didn't go unnoticed by the police defenses. His head was filled with only _her_. The image of her… he wanted desperately for it to be real. As the Hong Kong soldiers pushed him roughly to the ground, Sousuke didn't fight back. He let them pin him down.

An explosion rang out as the enemy appeared without its special invisibility cloaking. Sousuke felt himself get off of the ground as he walked closer to the destructive machine. It suddenly sprinted towards him and Sousuke made no attempt to move out of the way. He didn't care anymore. All he wanted was to see Kaname.

At the last moment, Melissa heaved him to the ground. Her tone was icy as she spoke to him in the van.

"Let's go. It's as if you meeting your doom."

No, that wasn't right. He had already met his doom when he left Kaname. Damn orders.

"Were you thinking about her?" Melissa snatched Sousuke's collar roughly. "Forget about her for now! If you can't do that then get out of the car, now!"

Forget her? Forget Kaname? Her image burned through him again. Blue hair danced around her as she laughed. Her brown eyes sparkled as she spoke. Forget her? That wasn't possible.

Sousuke reached for the car door and slid out. Melissa looked on with surprise.

"I can't do this anymore," he replied softly.

Melissa gasped as she caught a glance of his eyes. They were the same as that girl's. That girl that had killed. Utter despair.

- - - - - -

The prostitute leaned her head on Sousuke's shoulder and her face grinned at him through the mirror. Sousuke stared at the image blankly. For a split second outside, he had thought it was Kaname standing there in the middle of Hong Kong. The woman had the same strange long blue hair. But when he saw her face, he became annoyed. Her eyes were all wrong! They were small and her face held an unnatural blush to them. Her lips had a fake red color to them. It was wrong. All of her was wrong!

But when she asked if he wanted to hang out with her, Sousuke still went with her. He didn't know what else to do. His brain didn't seem to be working properly and no other options formed in his head. Perhaps he was trying to distract himself by being with this girl.

He continued to stare into the mirror at his reflection. His eyes held nothing in them and he began to feel irritated at his image.

"_As long as you're by my side, I'm sure I can endure it."_ Kaname's voice sprang out suddenly and Sousuke gasped as he squinted into the mirror. His mind grabbed the image of her hand over his face during the one time they were in the forest and he was ready to kill her if that's what it took to keep her safe and away from the enemy. She had walked past his gun and her fingers touched his face softly as she told him she would rather stay with him.

Sousuke stared at the mirror, his mouth slightly agape. _Why now? Why was this memory coming back to him now?_

The prostitute didn't seem to notice as she began talking. Her words invaded Sousuke's head. "Even if you slack off, someone else will do it. So just let them do all of the work."

Was that it?

No.

The job no longer belonged to him. It was now up to Wraith to keep Kaname Chidori safe. So then, why did Sousuke feel as if he went insane when he first read the orders?

His hand still had the scar when he had punched through his laptop's screen. Orders. That's all his life was.

Orders were orders, were they not? He was trained to follow orders. All of his life he was ordered around and had no problem. Why now did he see the orders as something repulsive? Something not natural?

Kaname's image burned through his head. _"I'm not luggage!"_ Her eyes were set on the floor as she tried to be strong, telling Sousuke she was fine on her own. The words had stung him. How could she be fine on her own when he was supposed to be there to watch over her? He didn't want to hear those words.

"It's a waste of time to trust people recklessly." The girl next to his smiled as she continued speaking.

The words stung him as a new, fresher memory came alive. Kaname and him a few days ago as she leaned over his shoulder while cutting his hair. She had just finished asking if Wraith would save her if she was in danger and Sousuke did not have an answer. It bothered him beyond anything else that Wraith was on the same mission he was yet was unwilling to save Kaname. No one was right for the job except him. Kaname's voice flooded his ears. _"I only trust you, Sousuke."_

Sousuke could even see his own face as he remembered he was facing the mirror that day in Kaname's bathroom. His violet eyes had widened as the girl leaned towards him to whisper at his side. She trusted him? After all of the hardships he was always bringing upon her, she still trusted him.

The image was gone as fast as it had come and Sousuke was left back in the small room with the wild woman talking on. His face glared at the mirror as he thoughts jumbled together. Kaname… shouldn't have trusted him. Because at the end, he was the worst, leaving her to follow some stupid orders.

He was dimly aware of the girl with him. She was going on about drinking. Sousuke felt her hot breath at his ear and then the girl lightly nudged him downward onto the bed. He didn't resist.

Sousuke stared up at the woman in confusion as she pushed him onto the bed and threw her one leg over his stomach to lightly sit on him. His hands lay at his sides and the woman smiled at him. Her bangs covered her eyes as she leaned towards his face, whispering seductively.

"I'll give you a good time."

This is it.

Suddenly, he couldn't breathe. _Her _voice filled his head. _Her_ face haunted him as the woman on top of him leaned forward.

Sousuke eyes widened and he began to shake. Kaname's voice and face appeared before him as the look-alike woman slowly descended towards him.

_Sousuke._ _She _called his name. The she being the girl he left behind. Kaname.

"Make you feel good."

_Sousuke!_ Her expression was furious.

"Could this be your first time?"

_Sousuke._ Surprised.

"I'll be gentle."

_Sousuke! _She was ready to hurt him.

_Sousuke. Sousuke. _She smiled as she spoke his name, calling out for him.

It was too much. Kaname's different expressions sped through his head. His breath came faster as the hallucinations changed quickly. The woman neared his face, ready to kiss his lips. Sousuke pushed his head further back into the bed as he struggled with the images of Kaname in his head.

Beads of sweat broke out over his face as he leaned away from the woman. His hands reached out and grasped her shoulders as he shoved the girl away from him. The images of Kaname flickered away as Sousuke gulped in air.

Captain Tessa's words echoed in his head. _"Why don't you just say it out loud? 'I want to be with her! So don't get in my way!'"_

Was that what he wanted? Could he really do that? Was he allowed to say that he wanted to be with her? Would it cancel out the vicious orders that were suffocating him?

_I want to be with her._

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Well?! Whayathink?! Review and let me know! I usually don't write a whole lotta angst so be nice! I first got the idea for this chapter from FMP: TSR episode 11, His Problems when the prositute is leaning over Sousuke and Kaname's face flashes through his head. It was completely heartbreaking and really made Sousuke realize his feelings towards Kaname.


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